By Morgan Febrey
From virgins getting poked to our fully illustrated friends, we all need a solid slap in the face when considering a stupid tattoo. What up, people? While we all have different stories to tell with our choice of tattoos, a few simple pointers might help save you from getting a Great Dane sized turd of a permanent embarrassment.
First, we need a working definition of stupid. Let’s start with today’s trending topics. You know, pop culture. Here today, gone tamale. Another flash in the pan. Anyone else getting hungry? “But pop culture has never let me down.” If you really did just say that, please do not get a tattoo. Go back to the mall, purchase the uniform your whole damn squad wears on Fridays, and leave tattoos alone. Breathe, Morgan, breathe. Anyway, remember the “Left Shark” from Katie Perry’s halftime performance? Somebody actually got that tattooed. That’s right, you heard me. It was such a bad idea that it got national news coverage. ABC, NBC, Fox. Pretty sure even Obama called to check on the dude.
Wait a sec. Now, I’m really thinking about that. Left Shark is a fucking brilliant idea. Do you know the size cojones it’d take to get that? Plus, it’s funny as fuck. That dude deserves a tip of the hat. So, in a complete/spontaneous reversal of opinion, spot on brother! Great tattoo.
Oh yeah, we’re trying to define stupid. I think what we discovered above is that you need to cowboy up, or go sit in the truck. Meaning:
Tip 1: If you’re going to get stupid with your tattoo, get soooo fucking stupid the President calls to check on you.
Now that we’ve defined stupid and established our first tip, let’s get down to the heart of what makes a tattoo stupid. You want 4 more tips? Ok, here you go: who gives a proper fuck?? The culture that gave birth to making your body a canvas sure doesn’t. The world’s first tattoo was “MOM.”
Isn’t that stupid and ironic considering every mom hates tattoos? There will always be things in life you regret and things you don’t. Caution: jumped out of the car on the highway driving to the shop. The most important thing when getting a tattoo is that you learn to accept your life…even the permanent mistakes like tattoos, scars, and marriage. With that in mind, here’s the rest of my list for avoiding stupid tattoos:
Tips 2-5: Damn the torpedoes, FULL SPEAD AHEAD! (Who gives a fuck, anyways??)
I’m going to go grab some tamales.